I have been gone for a while. Needed a little time to look at my life and figure out what I want. Sometimes the hardest moments are helping me to dig deep and look inward to find my strength. Because one thing I know – I can do hard things, but it can take me some time to find my strength.
In July of 2019, I had a conversation full of judgment and super harsh comments hidden under the pretense of “being real” from a person I loved. It hurt to have someone so close to me misinterpret everything I do and to realize I am seen as a problem to be handled.
In the middle of that conversation, my mind opened to the reality that I was not in a place of love. It also made me take a good hard look at myself. How did I get here? How did I not notice the disdain towards me? That moment changed my outlook on my life.
So I’ve taken some time to learn about myself. The mean and hurtful things that were said had to be sorted through and it was a journey that I am still on. I keep trying to love myself more. To be aware of the things I will accept and to know what it is I want vs. what I might be afraid of living without.
I have been blessed so much in my life! I was a little girl, younger than my own daughter when I lost my mother. I spent years having seizures which turned out to be a response to grief and stress. In my teens, living in so much uncertainty, I learned a mindset of scarcity. As a young adult, I was heartbroken more times than I’d like to remember. It seemed like I never really knew or trusted myself so I acted impulsively as to not have a moment to really think things through. Thinking back, I was acting fast so I would not have time to change my mind. But throughout all of these things, I have felt the love of my Father in Heaven. I have felt protected and in my lowest moments, I have felt my mother with me. I think a mother’s love cannot be removed even when we are not physically connected – because her love is something inside of me. I feel it now – this love and protection – and it keeps my soul smiling through hard times because, underneath the hard times, there is always love. What a gift!
I have three beautiful babies, and oh my God, what a great blessing each of them is to me. I was born to be their mother. And no, that does not mean being their mother is easy. But I hope they always know how much I love them. I wish for them to feel my love long after I am gone. I want them to learn that love and respect is not something to be earned – they have that from me, and they should be able to give that to others.
Every morning I wake up feeling grateful for another day. I am so full of hope and excitement for this new year. My word for 2020 is ACTION. It has been a long time coming, and even if it is scary or hard, I know it is time for action. Because nothing changes if nothing changes.
Things I have learned
- I need to love myself in order to love others.
- The way I speak to myself can be uplifting or damaging, but whatever I say, I will believe. Speak kind words.
- Sometimes, I have to stop, and reevaluate where I am, in order to see where I am headed!
- I need to know what I want, in order to move towards getting it.
For this new year, I will take better care of myself. I will invest time in my health by being active and drink lots of water. This year I will learn to meditate and do more yoga. I will write more often because writing is something that makes me happy!
This year I wish for you to make choices and take action. Because saying you will do something is not the same as actually doing them. I wish for you to enjoy your life! Be in nature, and try something completely outside of your comfort zone. I wish for you to spend time with puppies – because they are a bundle of joy. But above all else, I wish for you to feel love and make it your constant companion.