A couple of months ago, my husband and I decided to separate. It was a mutual decision, which we arrived at after many years of trying to make a go of it. I won’t get into the minutiae of why we didn’t work, just that we both agreed it was the best thing for us. I felt and continue to feel 100% at peace with my decision. However, being a single mother in my mid-40s with three children was not the same as being a single mother in my mid 20’s with one child. I felt overwhelmed. I started having panic attacks and a constant feeling of anxiety. I would wake up from my sleep filled with dread and couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I needed help.
I resisted the idea of therapy for a while because, to be honest, finding a therapist was daunting. And when I would find one, they had a six to eight month wait before I could get in to see them!
One night, while lying in bed scrolling through Facebook posts as one does when one cannot sleep, I found a link for a new mental health office near my home. I immediately reached out and asked for an appointment. Because they were a new office, I was able to get in quickly. It was heaven-sent. The only hurdle left – it wasn’t covered by my insurance. I decided to go ahead because it was too important to my health.
I am now in therapy. My first assignment is to come up with a plan for my life. What do I want? If I am the master of my fate, what does the universe I create look like?
It is a safe place. Filled with laughter and love. It is organized and peaceful. It smells nice. There are plenty of things to eat and drink and everyone feels confident in their own skin. My people are able to participate in the world and be safe from it. We make time to spend together and focus on communicating in ways that are meaningful and make clear connections with each other.
In my universe, I work to live, instead of living to work and it is enough. My universe features the best version of me. I am healthy, I am wealthy, I am protected and respected, but most of all, I AM ME. Thank you Yung Baby Tate for the inspo! IYKYK 😉 My home is my refuge. And my travels to and from work are filled with cool AC and audiobooks. My universe includes a community of like-minded people, which is not to say we’d all have the same opinions and beliefs. It just means, my community would be made up of people who have a mind to accept their uniqueness and champion this concept for everyone.
Lastly, in my universe, there would be a puppy. A red toy cavapoo, he would sleep in the corner of my bedroom and walk with me in the mornings. I’d work from home and he would be my companion. My cavapoo would be named Fredrick or Beau and I would use his full name to call him over to me – and when it is bedtime, we (my human children and my cavapoo) would jump in my big bed and watch the big television together. We’d watch shows about traveling the world or cooking while we come up with plans for our next adventures. I am filled with complete bliss when I imagine my universe as I have created it.
I am starting a journey in my therapy sessions. I am starting a process of transformation. I am excited for my life to be a series of decisions made by me. Actions based on my ideal universe instead of reactions to circumstances. I realize this will take time, but mostly, It takes the mental determination to enforce my boundaries and the courage to ask for the things I want. It takes conviction in the knowledge that I deserve these things and that I am worthy of such a place. I am immensely grateful for the opportunity to grow and learn how to be a better human. I am excited about the tools I will earn as I continue on this quest for self-fulfillment. It truly fills me with joy – and dammit I deserve it.
I wish for you to find your way to becoming the master of your fate— however you decide to get there!
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